Middle class indecision
Currently fighting the urge to bite off or at the least cut of all of the latest attempt at nail growing. They just look so foreign on my hands, and feel so strange to type with and the upkeep is just incredible, yet they still look totally rubbish and constantly seem to be getting themselves dirty- i don’t even understand what from as i haven’t been outside basically since swot week began (rehearsals don’t count as leaving the house- especially not if you leave in the dark).
Although i am glad dean is back to posting again if only everyone else would do the same (and the rest of you).
Dean did take away her archives with her latest redesign and i must admit, if i were to take away the archives dating back to Jan 04, i’m not sure i’d be bothered writing any more. And i guess, although i do have a passworded blog where all the awkward/er things were/are being posted (since april 04), it doesn’t manage to make the archives here any less cringe worthy to look through. I think the cringe worthy bit is important. I enjoy reading back over my musical obsessions, my blatherings about possible career opportunities and to realise that here i am years later, with a basic diary outlining vaguely what was going through my head at the various times:
when i decided it was a good idea to do music at uni
when i decided it was a good idea to take up an arts degree cos i hated music
when i decided it was a good idea to move to melbourne because i hated uni
when i decided it was an even better idea to move overseas and restart that music degree which i despised so much last time.
Shuddering at my past is so important for me realising exactly how ridiculous my current position currently is and knowing i will look back on my angst-ridden posts in 3 years time and smirk about how petty i was is very encouraging. I spend many an angsty evening reading back over what were the ravings of a teenage lunatic (yes, these are from last year) and grinning at my ridiculousness and how still, i have managed to not solve those situations- three years down the track. It doesn’t even bother me that my main readership is me and people who don’t comment (you know who you are).
I was hoping the rambling would take away my desire to gnaw at my hands. No such luck. I will go and try to concentrate on reading a book- i did an excellent job of finishing a book (started reading Terry Pratchet) in two days and still getting enough practice done to make my lips hurt- considering i normally can’t do anything but read when i get a book, and i’m trying to avoid the removal of nails- perhaps i’m maturing?
I think i want to collate my archives and possibly put them back up, I think I’ll go through and privatize a few entries though… I miss them already. I didn’t realise how often I read back over and laughed at myself.